Monday, December 29, 2014

First Step

Every year people start their New Year's Resolutions...most people I know is all about weight loss. We are start that first step with excitement and goals. We blast out from the starting line, like the story of the hare & the tortoise. We are committed and determined that THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR. 

Some last a week, some last a month and within 3 months….the excitement and determination is completely gone or lost from the stress of life (kids, bills, spouses, etc). I’ve been in this same boat for many years and I’m finding that I need to commit to a new lifestyle and not a dress size or trying to make others jealous of how great I look. Selfish motives rarely happen or you find that your purpose of making others jealous didn’t help the real issue….that deep down self-loathing, self-hatred, hatred for lack of willpower, depression because even though you lost the weight….you still feel ugly, worthless, and shame. We will never break the cycle until we deal with our inner demons. I’m finding that if I take a hard look in the mirror…I can see reasons that I’m not where I want to be. 

From 2002 – 2007, I had lost 60lbs my diet & exercise & felt fantastic…I found myself enjoying the attention of others a little too much and the attention was coming from men and a few women (FYI: the attention of women did not give me a “high”). With my hyper-manic disorder, the “high” I got was insatiable. I needed my next fix….my next high. I was as an drug addict. I enjoyed feeling desired and attractive to others but it was unhealthy and it was too the point that it almost ruined my marriage.

 After that lovely chapter, I begin to put the weight back on...50lbs from the 60 I had gotten rid of. Stopped exercising, eating right and found that the attention I had once received was diminishing. Part of my issue is that I hadn’t lost the weight for my health & well-being but for attention. I desired others to see me and that is not a reason that will sustain you; it’s not a lifestyle change. What I have learned in the last year is profound and life changing for me personally….you may already know this and that’s awesome. At 41 years old, I guess I’m a slow learner (LOL).

 The reasons I am starting this journey anew is ONLY for my health and well-being. I’m not looking to be a size 2, I’m definitely not looking for the approval of others. I recently went to my doctor and found that my blood pressure is dangerously high, my cholesterol is insane and I have constant headaches…some almost debilitating. My doctor informed me that she had another patient that was 41 and she had a stroke due to high blood pressure.

 I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A STROKE! I DO NOT WANT TO DIE AT 41! I WANT TO LIVE AND BE AROUND FOR MY HUSBAND….MY CHILDREN…MY GRANDCHILDREN and other family & friends…..and of course, my dog Eddie. I will beat these medication issues & I will succeed because my life truly depends on it. I pray that God helps me on my journey and I ask that you send a few prayers up for me for success and good health.

 I welcome any comments on my blog…. I posted 2 photos: 1st one is from November 2013...my 40th birthday. 2nd is from last week (12/24/14)...What a difference a year can make.