Back to tired...

I was excited since last Sunday (11/25/18) as I was feeling awake but the last 2 nights....I am back to feeling like I didn't sleep well and I'm tired when I wake up.

I'm not sure what's going on but I'm only 9 days into my first HRT so I'm not going to panic...just yet.

The beginning of Menopause

After 5 years of perimenopausal symptoms, I decided to take the plunge and go for hormone replacement therapy.

First off, I have hyper manic disorder....a form of bipolar.  I go from normal to very hyper and I've been that way as long as I can remember but I never experienced depression.  Over the last 5 years, though I didn't realize it, I have been going thru perimenopause.

My symptoms were similar to my hyper manic disorder except now I'm experiencing hot flashes but not in the usually way.  My "flash" would last for at least 10 mins and I initially thought it was just from drinking coffee or because I've always run hot.  Then the mood swings picked up a bit.  I would quickly get really agitated more often, and my libido decreased from a "need sex almost every day" to didn't even think about it anymore.  These all happened over a 5 year period; starting around 40.

In September 2018, after coming home from vacation, I started getting a weird "empty" feeling.  I wasn't thinking of anything at all.....just empty.  Then the depression showed up around the 1st week of October 2018.  I started having vivid dreams again (had them from childhood up until my mid-30's).  These dreams are so realistic that I would pass a polygraph test.  The dreams would cause either rage or severe depression.  Then around the 2nd week of October 2018, the depression stayed.

I developed severe anxiety to be around people I knew.  I started wearing my headphones at work all day long so I didn't have to talk to anyone and then I never left my house, except to go to work and grocery shopping. This went only thru the beginning of November.

So, I went to see a hormone doctor on 11/7/18.  After discussing everything, I decided to move forward with hormone replacement but instead of creams or pills, I went with the pellet method.

The following week, I had my blood drawn and waited for the results.  The next Wednesday, 11/21, I had my first pellet insertion.  Per my blood work, I was only in need of testosterone; normal levels for a woman is between 80-100.....my 1st blood panel showed a level of 26.  This is explains so much!  Also, part of my fatigue (didn't mention that earlier) has been caused by the beginning stages of Hasimoto's.  This is a thyroid condition and it can suck the life right outta you!  My level should be under 60 and it was 193.5 so now a lifestyle change is in order.

My first dose of testosterone was 150 which there are debates if that is too high for your first dose but my doctor has been performing this type of hormone replacement for a long time and he explained that an algorithm was created in the 1980's that considers your age, weight, and complete blood panel and is 95% accurate.  This eased my worries.  I was scared to develop facial/chest/nipple hair which I've never had or severe acne and turn into a 14 year boy going thru puberty.

As I'm not prone to these things, the doctor eased my mind and explained that it's extremely rare for it to occur....but there is that 1% change it could.  With everything I was feeling, I decided it was worth the risk.

Today marks week 1 and I feel great.  I first noticed feeling better last Sunday (11/25), I woke up and actually felt awake.  I got sleepy around 2pm but it passed which was unusually and lovely.  The next day, I went to work and felt great again.  Tuesday....same.

Today I'm tired but I didn't sleep very well so I figure this is the reason but I will continue to monitor how I'm feeling.

Oh, and the best part is that I'm finally "in the mood" to work out again.  It's been 11 years but by George....I'm back at it.  I'm taking it slow but started last Sunday (11/25) and I'm enjoying myself again.  My workouts are the fun kind....Just Dance and Fit in Six via my PlayStation 3.

I plan to journal my experience and hopefully someone will read this one day and get some answers or use out of it.


Oh, my diet.  The recommendation is cut out sugar and gluten.  Right now, all the rage is the Keto which I've been dabbling in for the last 2 years but I'm not committed as some so I do not have the weight loss to show it.  But I have begun writing down everything I eat & drink thru My Fitness Pal and I'm staying under my calorie allowance and I've been exercising between 30-40 minutes each night.

It's beginning to a lot like Menopause

This is how being bipolar and going thru perimenopause into menopause feels.

This is my journey

My Gratitude list

I'm grateful all year long but I wanted to list what I'm grateful for the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday.

1. God.  I'm so thankful/grateful to all He has done for me and blessed me with.  This would be the longest blog in history if I listed everything.
2. My husband.  Talk about a blessing from God (see #1)!!!  This man has been thru Hell and back with me and still remains faithfully by my side, seeing me thru it every step of the way.  I pray that everything woman finds a husband as wonderful as mine.
3. My children; Scottie, Andrew, Hope & Patience.  Though the girls are no longer with us, I'm so grateful that I was blessed to have just a few preciously moments with Hope and a few hours with Patience before God called them home.  I have no understanding as to why they could not stay with us but God sees the big picture and one day, I will understand.  I will not be bitter (was at first) but I will allow God to continue planning my life.
   My boys are such a blessing and I'm so proud to be their mom.  They both have chosen paths of security:  Scottie as a prison guard and Andrew as a solider in the Army.  Though, I worry for each of them and their safety....I'm proud to have children that want to protect & serve in their respective fields.  
4. My Church.  We have a wonderful church that absolute truth is shared and not diluted to "fit" the world's standards now.  We have made wonderful friends that we cherish and are blessed to be part of something that's eternal.  
5. My siblings:  DJ, Angie & Sharon.  As all families do, we have had our ups and downs but overall, I'm happy/proud to call them family.  Each have their own families and though we have busy lives and sometimes forget to stay in touch....I will always cherish them and be there.
6. My parents:  Danny, Gloria and Dot.  My mother passed away a few years ago and I miss her terribly but glad I had many years with her.  She taught me many things and though, we struggled with our relationship for years...in the end, our love overcame all obstacles that kept us apart.  My father has been a staple of stability in my life and I will forever be a daddy's girl.  He married Dot in 1994 and she has been a true blessing to him and our family.  I am so happy that my dad is able to share his life with someone that loves him completely.
7. Eddie.  Eddie is our beloved 3rd child (well, he's technically a dog) and he rules the house for the most part.  I do step in to correct his dominates at times but overall....he's in charge  =^..^=
   He was a present to my husband 4 years ago and the look on his face was priceless.  Eddie was the perfect choice to join our family.

Please take this holiday to celebrate what you're grateful for and be Thankful for all you've been given....even if you feel it's not much....someone else would love to have your life.

Birthday celebrate for my son & myself.  Of course, as "those" kind of parents....we created a happy birthday video for our son who is serving in the Army.

Enjoy our craziness!

They are finally off!!!!

After a year & 7 months....my braces are finally gone!  I just had to share.

Before                                                         After                                            

     

     

Makes for a happy camper.....

Oh boy....I made a list

I made a list of things I want to change in my new home and it's a tad longer than I realized.  I want to put my stamp on it, make it my home, my space that when I walk in.....I'm in love.

Right now, we are not even close.  No pictures on the walls.....no decorations of any kind....YET.  I want unique, a bit quirky, and things no one else has.  I've collected several original piece of painting from either myself and friends of mine; well, Steve isn't a "friend" but he was the assistant at Paint Nite and he has given me both paintings from the nights I attended.  LOVE IT.

He totally called me a con artist because the last painting....I might have pour on the charm to obtain what I wanted; which was his painting.  He's really talented.  It's funny how he painting the beginning of the season and I paint the middle or end of the season.

I'm want to have a wall of all four seasons and I have completed my collection.  Now, it's arranging them in a proper manner that's pleasing to the eye.  I also purchased a blue metal tree and it's perfect to bring all the paintings together as they are different but still have the same thing of blues and trees.

Here's my fabulous wall art.  Artist found on Etsy (https://www.etsy.com/shop/7055Inc)

So, I'm excited to see how it all turns out.  Of course, now that I'm going to have more blues in my living room; I'm going to have to recover my throw pillows but I found a really cool way of doing it without sewing so YAH to me.

Should I do it?

Scott thinks I should write about book.  He says that as many books as I've read....."You should have no problem putting one together."

Part of me agrees with him as I do have some very interesting topics I could write about.

1. My Life.  People will probably think some things are totally made up but I promise if I did....it would all be true!  100%.  However, names of others would be changed so I don't get sued and so no one else would know whom I talking about.  And those that know who they are will probably not enjoy the "fun" names they've been assigned.

2. Funny Rom-Com.  I enjoy the laugh out loud romantic type of books the best.  Everyone needs to take time to relax and not have to "think" about it....just enjoy.  And my books will wrap up as I see it; it will NEVER be left to the reader's imagination.  I mean if that was the case....they should have written the book.

3. My mom.  Her life was a novel you couldn't put down.  It would make you cry, laugh & possible angry.  It's a roller coaster ride that most people wouldn't buy a ticket for.

4. Last is on our dog, Eddie.  He adores our pup and feels that Eddie has many tales to tell.  He also wants a YouTube Channel for Eddie with voice-overs but we don't have time for it.  Would be funny though!

So, I sit and think....should I try?  Try one chapter and see how it goes?  It's a interesting prospect for sure.

I LOVE THAT MAN!!!!

I have the MOST amazing husband...a woman could not ask for more.  We have been together for 20 years and we haven't stopped the honeymoon phase of our relationship....for the most part.  There are always the days when it's not all sunshine and rainbows but most of the time...it is as close to perfect as possible.

2015 Vacation @ Club Med - Florida

He has loved me thru some ugly periods of my life and never wavered in that unconditional love.  I'm finding myself falling more in love (didn't think that was possible) with this man.  Most of my married & unmarried girlfriends thing he should teach a class on "How To Love Her".  I'm thinking he should write a book.  Since he's not much for reading....it'd be short but it'd be a goldmine for men looking to be a better man!

We meet again....

So, as my norm, I quit Weight Watcher before I really ever got started.  It's a frustrating habit of mine and I'm determined...no matter how long it takes....I will break this habit.

Just going to take it one day at a time and not abuse myself for yesterday or past that.  The past has nothing new to say so I refuse to open the door!

I will walk on with my head high and with God on my side....I cannot lose!

Truckin' Right Along...

So far...my journey to health & happiness is going well.  Not as quickly as I would like but progress is being made!

Down 7lbs and that's good; though, I do know it's water weight but a loss is a loss and I'll take it.  I have found that the biggest loss is inches but of course, I've forgotten to measure.  LOL

My clothes are fitting better and my side profile is slimmer.  These are good things!

I think this sums it up

Calories burned....I don't think so!

My current form of exercise is a program called Oxycise which is an excellent deep breathing program; however, I do not feel that the number of calories that I'm supposed to burn is true.

The program states that you can burn 140% more than a stationary bike so I did the math and that just seems like too many calories burned.  So....I've decided to use a yoga calorie burned option instead.  Much less burned but now I feel honest and I'm only cheating myself out of my healthy goal.

It's true....you learn something new every day (or at least I am)

I'm finding (as I get older) that I enjoy learning more than I ever had before. Our church is currently doing a study on The Doctrine of the Apostles. It's so interesting and exciting to find out things I hadn't known before.

I'm learning how to connect on a deeper level with God.  Learning more of what I need to do for a stronger Spiritual connection with my Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ.

Acts 2:42 is a staple scripture in our church.

KJV:   And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers.

NIV version: They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.

NLT version: All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper[a]), and to prayer. 

No matter the version....we learn that we need to devote/continue steadfastly studying the Word of God, rightly dividing the word (instead of taking a few scriptures out of context and building a belief system).

I know I could spend the rest of my life studying the Word and never learn it all.  I can read the same scripture for years and then when God reveals it's meaning or more understanding....it's as if I've been in the dark and the light has been turned on.  It's truly amazing.

Aren't computers supposed to be faster & smarter?????

The joys of friendship

I have been so blessed over the last 20 years with a fantastic best friend...whom is my husband! We are still like newlyweds and I couldn't be happier with my life. I have some very close girlfriends that I've known for quite some time and they are each very special to me. Again....truly blessed!

Recently, I have been blessed with new friendships that I cherish. There are 3 sisters that have come into my life and it was an instant connection. They are so beautiful inside & out. They radiant love and it's refreshing to see. It's just a wonderful thing when God puts all the pieces into place at just the right time. Having good friends in life is so very important to your health & well-being.

Friends that you can be "real" with...friends you can say anything to and they will be by your side without judgement. These are the friends that I have collected over the last 17 years.

Thank you for being in my life and taking a big part in the journey....I love each & every one of you!

Countdown to Packer/Cowboy Showdown at Lambeau Field...UPDATE: PACKERS WON!!!

Perfect setting for a Cowboy beat down but they could surprise us (doubtful). Should be an interesting & fun time....No, I will not be sitting in the stands; I will be in the comfort of my recliner where there are no lines to the bathroom nor kitchen. If it wasn't so cold, I'd probably go. History of the rivalry: 1966: Packer Win at Dallas NFL Championship / 1967: Packer Win at Home NFL Championship / 1983: Packer lose at Dallas 2nd Round Divisional Playoff / 1993: Packer lose at Dallas Divisional Playoff / 1995: Packer lose at Dallas Divisional Playoff / 1996: Packer lose at Dallas NFL Championship It's time for a Packer win as all the losses have been in Dallas; Pack has never lost in the post season to Dallas. Can't see why we should start now!

The journey began...

As promised (to myself & my son), I began my journey to a healthy life. I used www.myfitnesspal.com and it's such an awesome tool for those looking to keep track of their progress for FREE. Yes....that's right....FREE. I have been down the road of paying for services and they worked but I'll take free. I started with doing Oxycise again which is one of the BEST exercises for several reasons:

 1. Stress: If you have any stress in your life, I recommend this program. The deep breathing is such a mood lifter (is that a word???)

 2. Inches: I measure every morning and see loss somewhere. It may be a 1/4" or more; the first time I used this program....I lost 15" all over. It was inspiring to see the changes even when the scale wasn't moving. It's a big motivator, as you are seeing daily results.

 3. Awake: The breathing helps you wake up and feel better. There are just so many benefits and the BEST benefits....you lose 1 & 1/2 times the calories that you would on a treadmill for the same amount of time.

 This is a 15 min program and once you get down the routine, you can watch TV and do the exercise. And who doesn't have 15 mins in their day. Website: www.oxycise.com (you WON'T be sorry)! Oh & NO...I do not work for Oxycise nor am I affiliated with them. I just know it works and when I love something....I wanna share. Weighed In Sunday (1/4/15): Down 1.6lbs from 12/29/14. = 6 days. That's was nice to see.

 I have a bit of an obsession with the scale so of course I weighed myself this morning and was down another 1.6lbs.....ROCK ON WITH MY BAD SELF! Excited to see what the inches reveal tomorrow morning. If you have questions on Oxycise or My Fitness Pal....let me know. After 12 years of trying almost everything, I can probably give you some tips/tricks.

 OHHHHH, make sure when you are using the Oxycise program to over-exaggerate the positions including the breathing. Believe me, this is good advice! Hope you have an awesome Tuesday.

Seriously....Gross!

I cannot stand waking up with sinus issues! Seriously....WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?!?!?!?! 1/2 a box of Kleenex and 2 sinus pills later; finally the river has been stopped and it was the rough kind of Kleenex as my plus lotion/aloe are at work (bummer). And then I get to go to work...Oh yeah....party time.....excellent! HAPPY TUESDAY!!!

First Step

Every year people start their New Year's Resolutions...most people I know is all about weight loss. We are start that first step with excitement and goals. We blast out from the starting line, like the story of the hare & the tortoise. We are committed and determined that THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR. 

Some last a week, some last a month and within 3 months….the excitement and determination is completely gone or lost from the stress of life (kids, bills, spouses, etc). I’ve been in this same boat for many years and I’m finding that I need to commit to a new lifestyle and not a dress size or trying to make others jealous of how great I look. Selfish motives rarely happen or you find that your purpose of making others jealous didn’t help the real issue….that deep down self-loathing, self-hatred, hatred for lack of willpower, depression because even though you lost the weight….you still feel ugly, worthless, and shame. We will never break the cycle until we deal with our inner demons. I’m finding that if I take a hard look in the mirror…I can see reasons that I’m not where I want to be. 

From 2002 – 2007, I had lost 60lbs my diet & exercise & felt fantastic…I found myself enjoying the attention of others a little too much and the attention was coming from men and a few women (FYI: the attention of women did not give me a “high”). With my hyper-manic disorder, the “high” I got was insatiable. I needed my next fix….my next high. I was as an drug addict. I enjoyed feeling desired and attractive to others but it was unhealthy and it was too the point that it almost ruined my marriage.

 After that lovely chapter, I begin to put the weight back on...50lbs from the 60 I had gotten rid of. Stopped exercising, eating right and found that the attention I had once received was diminishing. Part of my issue is that I hadn’t lost the weight for my health & well-being but for attention. I desired others to see me and that is not a reason that will sustain you; it’s not a lifestyle change. What I have learned in the last year is profound and life changing for me personally….you may already know this and that’s awesome. At 41 years old, I guess I’m a slow learner (LOL).

 The reasons I am starting this journey anew is ONLY for my health and well-being. I’m not looking to be a size 2, I’m definitely not looking for the approval of others. I recently went to my doctor and found that my blood pressure is dangerously high, my cholesterol is insane and I have constant headaches…some almost debilitating. My doctor informed me that she had another patient that was 41 and she had a stroke due to high blood pressure.

 I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A STROKE! I DO NOT WANT TO DIE AT 41! I WANT TO LIVE AND BE AROUND FOR MY HUSBAND….MY CHILDREN…MY GRANDCHILDREN and other family & friends…..and of course, my dog Eddie. I will beat these medication issues & I will succeed because my life truly depends on it. I pray that God helps me on my journey and I ask that you send a few prayers up for me for success and good health.

 I welcome any comments on my blog…. I posted 2 photos: 1st one is from November 2013...my 40th birthday. 2nd is from last week (12/24/14)...What a difference a year can make.